The graph of the seismic movements of almost a year in the making has finally reached its climax. It has been a roller coaster ups, downs and around what I felt about meeting the beau's family. In conclusion of me dealing with it, the wisdom came to mind (courtesy of Tall and other great friends) that why would I be scared of meeting them? If the beau liked me for who I am I'm sure that the family would as well. Since the beau's background seems civilised, educated and kind so what is there to fear?
And that was a great wisdom to keep. I had been myself, no matter what. Saying what I feel and just experienced the ride with them.
I even think I've spent more time with the family more than the beau since he's been so busy with a huge project that he's undertaking. It will define his career and I am sure that he will kick ass on it. It was great. As anticipated, like other Kiwis, these people are very sweet, relaxed, warm and kind. Amazing conversations, food and time!
Beyond the usual things during this kind of meetings, it has given me more time to know where the source of the beau's great spirits came from. It had also given me more positivity on perspective about love, relationship and life in general. They have given me so much amazing words that I have extracted in our conversations that I feel so great about everything.
Another thing that I felt is that there is no pressure to anything surrounding and concerning myself, my beau and them. That life has to happen in its own course. That I have to enjoy whatever it is and whatever there is.
So, I rest my case. There is no other place like home: meaning that being yourself is the best way to present yourself to others.
And now my Tall... I know that you are still juggling through your studies and work. But I hope that your long India trip will give you a great break... and answers to some puzzles that you need to solve when you get back home. It is what it is but I hope that that "is" will be for real.
I appreciate you being around, my dear friend. Please write here when you get back. I don't have anything to rant at the moment!
Small
- Location:Singapore, Singapore
- Mood:
thankful - Music:Computer keyboards
Reacting to two blog entries is hard when you can also fill a blog yourself with rantings.
Hahaha that's what I get when not posting timely.
I'll just divide it my post in two, so this it the reaction post to your last entries.
"Moonwalking in an Airy Gravitational Pull of Anxiety"?
Seriously how do you come up with these blog titles?
If I ever need a title for a book I'll come knocking on your door for sure!
Love your little wicked word games.
Readership increase? I never knew we even had readers.
I mostly rant towards you, for me and for us...just because we need ranting!
Ok fine, I do know it's a public ranting but how many people rant every second on the internet?
For me it makes it more personal to think I'm just ranting to you.
Life is beautifully imperfect indeed, we would go bored if it weren't!
We would try new things and find new ways to make life interesting.
And we'll be bound to find some new imperfections again to be bothered about and get over again.
Good thing we both accepted that as being beautifully imperfection.
Free from alcohol? Sounds good, I'm not quite getting to a point where I just don't drink at all.
I like my occasional single malts in the evening and wines with my diner, once or twice a week a end up drinking beer in a bar. But that's mostly because the alternatives SUCK in bars here.
I just say no a lot with the usual drinking rounds and keep a clear head most of the times.
Being lightly drunk twice a month is sort of agreeable in my book.
And you are serious about your little brother? He punched your ex's balls?
Hahaha, just great...I love that brother of yours already!
Kids listen to their 'sixth sense' a lot better then adults, the concept of rationalizing and socially accepted behavior hasn't landed yet with kids. Sometimes I envy that trade in kids, socially accepted behavior is overrated in most cases anyhow.
About your new found insecurity, maybe the new environment makes you insecure, you sort of left everything you knew as being the truth. Not that you liked that truth that much, but it was just that.
It will pass when the new truth kicks in, yes you have a great job in SP and a great boyfriend. :-)
It's been 1,5 months since that post, so you should be over that.
Usually it doesn't take that long for you to get over things. :-)
And one last thing, I don't know many people who are more interesting then you are.
Unless....you count the nutcases as being interesting.
Love, Tall
- Location:Arnhem
- Mood:
awake - Music:MGMT
I had been flying and in self-quarantine for a few days because of that.
Now, I feel like interfering with our process and blog again before you, Tall.
Since we came back from our trip, I felt different. I feel insecure about everything. At the back of my head, it must have to do something that my family already met the "decadent man".
The meeting was light, blithesome and enjoyable. At this time, I never felt anything wrong or any pressure from both ends. As if it's a perfect meeting: as if they all have met before and do not need adjusting or acting weird towards each other. Even my shy and reserved little brother was for the first time, spent time with us closely and not being a wet blanket over this big meeting. He did punch one of my ex' balls once before a long time ago as sign of disapproval amongst other silent treatments. So it was a good sign of real unadulterated blessings.
Why do I have to act differently and taking this in a different path? The decadent man said that nothing changed but I am in a weird mood. And I am also wondering why. I need to snap out of this. Why am I in panic? Why am I feeling insecure?
Tall, I know I have everything going great. How can I regain my confidence back in myself like how I was before, even a few days ago, where I am used to be? Why can't I relax? I am scared.
I hate myself for not embracing all the great things that I have. I don't know what's up and how will I tackle this this time.
This cartoon is so... typical but sad like me right now:
How can I be insecure? What the fuck?
Help?
Love,
Small
RIP Michael Jackson, If you're thinking about my baby, it don't matter if you're black or white...-- that's my fave MJ song.
- Location:Sex Den, The Countryside
- Mood:
distressed - Music:BBC news
This is my friggin first entry for 2009. How can I ever help Tall to make our readership increase when we're not delivering any entries of rants and randomness about our lives? Hey, trying to make myself start something to spark my brilliance of writing something inspiring... something dramatic and bitchy and feisty. Or just something that is Small.
Sometimes, nothing is something. Or something is nothing. Or everything is otherwise. I have so many things on my plate that I just watch it pass by day by day and cannot make a passage scripting out of it. I cannot translate the past 6 months of my life to here (well, you know I have waited for Tall to reply first so I kept on losing my key messages :P).
Is it because life is beautiful and flowing so well after all the hardcore ships and sails I have been through? Is it because I won the Regatta of my life and seems that hardcore for me now is a gentle wind sailing amidst the heat it's been giving? Oh no. Am I settling in my sunshine?
There you go. Analyse it again --- talking to myself. I will admit that things are falling into their places that I am scared of losing it. But I know I worked hard to have come this far. So let's put our sunglasses and let's just summarise how things went so right at my Regatta race (in random order):
I found peace and made peace with myself.
I have to lose and feel the most bitter pill to swallow before I can live again.
Discovered that I am not stupid.
I know what I want.
I never stop.
Law of attraction transcends a strong faith that you will have what you convict you will have.
I cry.
I get over it.
I ride the waves.
I get over it. I do not dwell.
Real. True. Bullshit is dead.
I love myself. More.
Going back to basics makes everyone happy apart from myself.
A relationship is a team. Not a lord and a servant.
Partner. I love that word.
Venison. Mmmm.
Doing the laundry perfectly makes me feel that I am honouring my mum's excellence raising us up to do things at a quality.
I still miss mum at times but getting to understand better why she has to leave this world.
You never give up loving your family even if you have to give them up for their future good.
Sono felice sapere lingua di Italiano e finisco la prima livello! Avevamo continuare andare a scuola.
Wakeboarding. Conquering my fear of water.
England. Jungles of Borneo. Western Australia.
Twitter is back, Plurk is dead.
The grace and calm amidst raging emotions.
Getting over it and getting things done.
Kicking arse - ugh this one has been there even before.
Jazz dancing. Pole dancing.
Offline life is amazing.
Free from alcohol. Hello wines. Occassional whisky. Drunkenness is so 20s.
Flat shoes.
Adidas Adistar -- cannot compare its ultra comfort against my Nike's low quality.
Wider range of real flavoursome food.
Flavoursome against flavourful.
I have a good palate.
Trying to let go of my brother JC's childhood to accept that he's entering the teen-hood.
Singlish lah. Aiyoh.
Matchmaking days are over. Get your own!
Open to the idea that my precious Daddy can date again... as long as she's not a psycho!
Getting older is such a fabulous time.
Real friends are real friends.
Life, as always, is beautifully imperfect.
I am at this phase of my life that I can say that my journey is sailing as far away as I could imagine. I just won't an cannot stop now. Too many things to explore. Lots of caves and islands to get a tan on along the way. Different beaches. Different sand grains. Same me. Just evolving.
So Tall, we just continue to improve what we can. I am proud of you doing the marathon! Not everybody can pass the test of mind over body. I have heard from runners always saying the same thing: "At some point during these races, all you can think of is 'what the fuck am i doing here?' so you push and try to finish."
My advocacy for love is that you really have to love yourself first. Truthfully. Then the right things comes to play and catch your heart by the right Princess.
Thank you Tall for all your support all along. Thanks for oiling my helm at times I felt stuck in the middle of the ocean. After all, we're always winning.
Small
Oh and thanks to my new photo for giving me another push to write. Heh.
- Location:My Lego Land @ Singapore
- Mood: peaceful
- Music:Mike Stern
My work organizes a marathon every year and everyone could join for a relay, half or a quarter.
So I decided to give running a try and went for the quarter (10.5km).
Last Sunday it was showtime and I decided not to overdo it. My goal was to get to the finish and hopefully within an hour.
Well..I made that target, 54:38 and I'm feeling accomplished..
But now I know how it feels to run 10,5km and I want to get better. Looking back at it I know I can do better already!
I've just found out why people say running is addicting...damn, I'm hooked. :-)
Regards, Tall.
- Location:Arnhem
- Mood:
accomplished
Well that is what the sun seems to do to you!
I don't know, after a year with no time off because I was busy with my house.
Two broken 'relationships' and I really didn't take the time to put the pieces of my broken relation with my ex together. Things just sunk in at the end of last year....and that freaking fucking long winter and cold was getting on my nerves! And I mean seriously getting on my nerves!!
To the point where I couldn't concentrate at work or on school, or on a blog....sjeez.
I think I just sort of broke down, it felt like I had no more energy.
Somewhere two months ago after a evening of going out I ended up at my place with a married woman.
That just felt so empty and meaningless, which it was of course. A week later I met her husband and he was a great guy. Good looking social type, and he was just ok with it. Another week later she invited me to visit her in Amsterdam in a hotel and I just wasn't up to it. I mean who gives a meaningless fuck?!
That was the time that I thought I had to make things change for the better, and soon!
So I and they did.
Things turned around about a month ago, I've been taking up more sports.
At work 'we' are training every wednesday to run a quarter of a marathon, which is still 10,5km.
We means me and some colleagues from other departments, and it's fun to meet them in a different setting!
Every tuesday I was already going to the gym with a friend. and I have to run on saturday for my training schedule. Every sunday morning I try to attend the body-pump class at the gym, and that seriously is as heavy as you want to make it.
Although I'm heaving some steady muscle aches about everywhere since I started it's giving me energy!
So you should be settled by now! have you made a new comfy home for yourself?
Take care,
Tall
btw. Are you kidding me?! Is this the first blog we put up this year?
Well I welcome out blog to 2009!
- Location:arnhem
- Music:Randy Crawford
Too many events happened in the past few weeks of my inactive-ness on this blog... even my microblogs and other online stuff suffered in manic and frantic preparation of my move and my love life. So Tall, I know you have been understanding and supportive of my disappearance online for a while... because my offline life is falling into places.
Butterfly Landed in my Sunshine
I tried killing the butterflies but they never gave up on coming back to me. Actually, they never left but instead, lived in me. It was a struggle but after a long walk in the park, I've come to accept the feeling and went on with it. In the end, the reward was great and it gave me a lot of thought about something worth it and something beyond reason that I know. Something completely new and fresh - away from the horrible past of terrors and shallowness of my deep world.
I can see that some things are not about hurting now or later but keeping something open for the fresh air to come in and not worry about bugs biting you because there is no hurt to come at all.
It ended up that I am experiencing and learning how to be in a very mature relationship... something I never really experienced before: a world without hate nor unstableness. A place full of logic and art, reasons and its beauty, being yourself no matter what, openess and sensitivity, light and peaceful... in short, heaven on earth clipped in reality.
Some things I have been paranoid about, like a henna tattoo, something dark but temporary... is almost clearing out my skin. I can really be just who I am: that the mistakes that I thought were are not mistakes at all. That just being me is a simple symbol of my love and trust. Amazing what I am learning from this.
I Officially Hate PH's Bullshit Systems
It's all about the beaurocratic problems... how would I want to pay or contribute to the government if I know that it is useless anyway? I wasn't allowed to leave the country because I do not have an exit clearance. And fixing it will take days and days of queue and pain. SO FUCKING GROTESQUE! So worked my way around it, done a lot of research and voila!
Do not get me wrong... I still love our beaches! My beau and I just went to Coron, Palawan for a few days and had a great time which leads to...
Holidays can be possibly fun, not annoying with your partner!
Going on holidays with my beau had always been a great, light and fun experience. Nobody needed to kill each other at times. It was all smooth and fun. No negativity. Just smiles and enjoying each other so much.
I even sang for him with the acoustic band in the island while having dinner on the beachfront. I haven't done that to anyone but this time was all worth it.
Ah, peacefulness....
Manic Wrapup
Packing and strategising what to sell, pack, ship or take with me was excruciating. There came a time I want to give up. I have so much stuff that I cannot really throw away... talking about clothes and shoes! But with enough motivation, I got everything sorted. I so love the international movers! Fucking expensive but it's all worth every cent (it is reimbursable though hehe).
Giving up and selling almost all of my things are invigorating to my spirit. Leaving old things behind and starting new ones. My cats will remain, just figuring out how I can take them with me.
I needed this. And I got what I wanted at the right time and goal.
The Reporting Desk Thus Far..
My new office suits me. The people are very supportive and grand. First day and like they treat me like I know them forever. Talented young individuals. No need to get shy at all!
This is all I wanted and now that I have it, I will rock this joint. I will do the best way I can to gain more and learn and just do the best job that I could. This is a great chance given to me. As what my boss said: "Wish, I am expecting a lot from you." WHOA. And this guy is like one of the gurus of Media in Singapore. It's a challenge and I'll make sure not to fail him and his confidence about me.
Spiritual AND Scientific
Law of attraction like strong faith, you come to experience things inevitable or really, something that you really wanted. It is about conviction. Having a big confidence that you will have something even you do not know how. The end goal is the "it". Believing in yourself that one way or the other, you'll reach another better planet for you.
Then everything is a blessing. A spiritual grace.
Everything seems falling into places. But I won't lie in the bed of roses and be complacent about anything. NO WAY. I do not want to lose any of this so I will stay proactive and live on.
The biggest contribution about all of this is that they happen when I came at peace with myself. Forgiving myself or anything that went wrong and just surrounded myself with all positives... all good things. Then my life was uncluttered, fresh breeze came into my life.
Tall in Chaotic Mode
Tall, I know you're feeling down and livid right now. But what I admire about you is that you always have a very clear head. That you allow reasons to be present and never deny it. And those things keep you standing still. A bit rocky but clear.
Your second case might be a hopeful one to win in the end. I think we do not deserve something so great without knowing the sacrifices behind it. Like what I heard from a TV program one time: "why is it so hard?" "because we have to be aware that it is something worth it and never let it go." I really am hoping that it will lead that way. That she will come to her reasonable senses to be brave enough... at the right time, not too long to forever.
I hope school is rocking with you... which I know you'll ace. Clever Tall.
Okay so this is my update. Long and kicking arse!
Until then. We will remain.
Happy Holidays!
Small
- Location:Telok Blangah Heights, Singapore
- Mood: content
- Music:Electric Feel by MGMT
Maybe I did by just blogging that quote from Bruce Almighty?!
Not that I'm complaining either though...well maybe a little at the moment.
I seem to be caught up between life's ups an downs, but not at the point where it is all flat.
One thing is up, another is down.
On one side my house is still not finished, and I took a break for 5 weeks to concentrate on my study. On the other side I made it through another tough first half of a semester. And this semester is quite killing so far, we started out with 27 students, of which 5 quit the semester and 8 didn't make it through the first half.
So that's a load of my shoulders, I don't want to have to take this half year course again!
I would even mind to much when I get my degree and school-time is over.
On the love side I'm trying to figure out what love means and how it should feel.
I just totally fell in love and really can't say why, I just can't put my finger on it.
What the fuck is that? In two months time I just got totally attached to someone.
The weird thing is I broke up a "friends with benefits" relation to make room to find out what is was with this girl.
Only to find out that one found out after seven months she felt like she could fall in love with me and the other felt after 1,5 months she couldn't.
So what was that? The chemistry in both cases was there. In the first case it was a friends with benefits thing so I never allowed it to get anything more then that. And in the end I knew it could never be more anyway.
The strong connection with the second case made me decide to call it quits. Being friends with benefits just has a limited expiration date.
In the second case I feel the girl was more honest to me and true to herself.
In case of the "Hurt now or later", hurt now would be my pick too.
Maybe this was all a bad karma thing, for hurting someone I got hurt myself.
The funny thing is that someone else can never be 'blamed' for what you are feeling.
These are my emotions and I have to cope with them.
I thanked her for making me feel in love again and told her I felt sorry for not being able to do the same for her.
And so that piece in your last entry about "Butterflies and the Conflicting Brains" came at a good time.
Now I'm killing my butterflies or catching them with my bee net and safe-keep them in a jar for another time.
They will have to be put away, it all just a waste to let my emotions rule my state of being.
Small, you of all people knows how that feels, it hurts, it feels stupid, it sucks.
Zeus and his games...indeed.
On the brighter side, it seems like you're not Nobody's Girl anymore!
I'll leave the blogfloor for you to take over....
Hugs,
Tall
- Location:Arnhem
- Mood:
blah - Music:Morcheeba
And yet there are things in our lives that we try to avoid, erase or ignore and all the more it comes embracing us. They say that the time you let go and not care, the time it will come to you.
I got that job offer I have been hoping for. I am completely elated and humbled congratulating my impatient patience and my will power to make it and get what I want in my life. Taking charge now and I have to keep on moving and make my to-do list ready and hyperactive. Thank you for your support and all the kicking arse motivational words for me Tall... that also helped me to push harder.
Butterflies and the Conflicting Brains
In order to kill the butterflies, you have to-- first, stop chasing it with your bee net. Stop feeling scared to end their flutter and run away. >> okay, that sort of a heartless bullshit. Fluttering butterflies are beyond our control so killing it will be possible but can still bleed. Either watch them fly around your little world or close your eyes and let the eclipse kill them. Any other way will still hurt your world. There will still be killing and torture. What can you do...
Hurt now or later.
I always pick the now. Though it was proven right before, it also is debatable. I am quite confusing you with the things I am saying now but I am just flummoxed. Good things are coming and something will feel so awful once I leave. How can something beautiful be too complicated? (Yes, that goes with my cats too, in a sense...)
I learned his past week that sometimes, you go through an experience and it is not about the wrong or the right... it is the perspective you see in it to know the sensibility and complexities of life.
But looking at it, it is not conclusively going to make things better... or worse. It will just matter on the case of life taken in. I have to chew on things. I am feeling so good even it is knotted in distorted shapes. Abstract at its best.
R.I.P. Manny Distor.
Manny, is the guy played as Brent in my Love and Sex Pilot Demos (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIPrkABAk
He passed away last Friday, 17 October at 2105H. He was waiting for his gym student and felt bad so he went to the clinic and had an attack. That was it. One attack and he was gone at a very young age. I cannot put my head around it and I will visit the wake in the following days.
I never knew him much better but I know how much kindness he made on me. I will never forget that. I will celebrate his life and will serve as an inspiration to drive my projects more.
Spectral Speech.
I am afraid to get hurt again. Yes as life evolves, more levels and pockets of wisdom, happiness, sadness and experiences clash and form. Big bang became the universe with Earth as something interesting to the other kind.
Zeus and his games... sometimes I think he loves to hate and hates to love me I guess. Shall the Nobody's Girl take the path to push or repel?
I can only hope something I do not know about yet.
Small
- Location:butterfly lair
- Mood:
indescribable - Music:Ladyhawke, HIM and Grant Lee Buffalo
Life has it's ups an downs and you just have to go with it.
What else can you do? Stop caring or living? Settle down and wait quietly for life to end?
You know you want more from life then that! We are expecting more from life, more from our self.
The song "A Life's Journey by Joseph Campbell" really describes it very well.
"The destiny of the journey is to find that peace in the center of our being. "
So really everything we do, all the people we meet and all our experiences are just a way to find piece with our self?
I don't know, I mean what kind of piece do you have to find going through all that shite?
Still, there are people worse off for sure...and then again that doesn't make your personal situation any better.
Zeus will stop stricken when your freeway is clear for you to see the path you have to go.
Maybe he's just disparately trying to keep you going in the right direction.
That just made me think of a scene in Bruce Almighty where Bruce is talking to god.
"Okay, if that's the way you want it.
The gloves are off, pal! Let me see
a little wrath! Smite me oh mighty
smiter! I What, no pestilence no
boils? Come on, you got me on the
ropes, don't you want to finish me
off?! You're the one who should be
fired! The only one around here not
doing his job is YOU! What are we,
you're little pet project? A hobby
you tinker with now and again? Answer
me. ANSWER ME!!!"
You'll be fine once again, you have to!
Tall.
- Location:Arnhem
- Mood:
sleepy
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